An elderly woman is in intensive care today after she received a friend request from a Facebook profile with the name of “Coronavirus.”

“We put her into intensive care and quarantined the area after she was rushed here this morning. We understand she received a friend request on Facebook from a profile that claimed it was Coronavirus. The team here is taking precautions in treating her to make sure the virus cannot be passed through friend requesting on Facebook. Hospital employees have been ordered to Amazon Wardrobe hazmat suits for the time being. That way we can return them without being charged,” said one hospital representative we spoke with.

Coronavirus has spread quickly throughout the world and was only believed to be passed person to person or through air, but we could be in a world of hurt if this woman got it from a simple friend request on Facebook.

“We’re taking a long look into this whole virus. This is nothing like the flu that kills tens of thousands every year, it’s much more marketable and has a bad ass name. That’s really something we look into before we allow it to become classified as an epidemic. The name and symptoms tested well in focus groups, so we ended up classifying it as an epidemic,” said one government official we spoke with.

Citizens began deleting their Facebook profiles after hearing this terrible news.

“Goodbye cruel [Facebook] world!” read one status.

“This. Is. The. End. I always thought it would be Billie Eilish’s stupid hair and nails, but getting Coronavirus from Facebook friend requests has proven me wrong.” read another status.

No word on how long it will take the woman to recover.

The Sioux Falls Headliner
Adam K. White