Animal rights groups are sending major praise to South Dakota politicians for allowing wildlife to keep their plastic habitats after a bill passed prohibiting cities from banning single use plastics.

“Well my first home was in a plastic bag from a local grocery store, I lost my virginity over by those straws over there, and my children were born in a plastic container hidden from our natural predators. The only bad thing about them being born in that container, is that they smelled like ham. We really wanted them to smell like Sioux Falls sewage like their parents,” said one turtle.

Politicians reached out to congratulate the turtle on being able to keep his plastic habitat in tact.

“This is how it’s supposed to work! We work for the voters and it’s an amazing thing to hear when they’re able to go on with their lives without any kind of disruption from government. I don’t want to take any kind of credit for championing this bill, but I was the one who wrote it, and would love to be re-elected if possible, so I can keep these bills coming,” said one politician we spoke with.

Local polluters are also hailing politicians for the efforts.

“To us polluters, this is a big win. I mean, who doesn’t want to just throw their trash out the window? Not only does it help animals with shelter from their predators, but it also allows children to play with a variety of toys they might not get at home. When I was a kid, I would go to the river and play with all the broken glass! Why not give children these days that chance?” said one local polluter we spoke with.

Congratulations to all animals who get to keep their homes!

The Sioux Falls Headliner
Adam K. White