Independence Day celebrations have been over for a couple days now and the used fireworks have all been picked up.

“I’m always stoked when it rains right after my fireworks show. The flooding really helps me pick everything up from my show and helps keep the headaches away. I’m sure they’ll end up somewhere in the ocean, but why do I care here in South Dakota? I’ll never see where they go, you know?” said one douchey citizen we spoke with.

It’s a problem Sioux Falls deals with every year, but has done nothing about yet.

“It’s kind of hypocritical to let our corporations dump toxic into our river, and not allow our citizens to do it. The river is a toxic waste dump for many companies in the area, so we believe the citizens should get their chance to do it a couple times a year too. It’s not like anyone swims in it or anything like that. Just some animals that should evolve to deal with it,” said one douchey city official we spoke with.

The Sioux Falls Police Department says it slapped many people on the wrist for shooting fireworks off within city limits this past fourth.

“We had about 249 slaps on the wrist issued last week for shooting fireworks off within city limits. We’re not responsible for making sure those slaps on the wrists pick up after themselves. We’re simply here to sit behind bushes with speed guns and catch people going over the speed limit by 4 miles per hour,” said one SFPD representative.

Pick up after yourselves, people.

The Sioux Falls Headliner
Adam K. White