A report was released Tuesday morning that accused local trains of sitting on the outskirts of Sioux Falls and waiting until 7:45am and 5:15pm
to drive as slow as they can through town.

“Our research suggests that local trains wait on the outskirts of Sioux
Falls to mess with morning and afternoon work commutes because they’re jealous of people who work 8-5 shifts during the week. It’s research we’ve worked on for many years, and now we are very proud to release our findings to the public, who is probably stuck in traffic because of a train,” said the report.

Citizens have noticed trains that pull through town during busy commuting
hours go about 5 miles per hour slower than other times during the day.

“Whenever I’m late to work, these trains are going all of 4 miles an hour,
but whenever I’m out and about on my weekends, they’re flying through town at about 10 miles an hour. Coincidence? I think not! These trains are conspiring against us and making us late for work in the morning!” said one local citizen we spoke with.

Local trains believe citizens are paranoid about their surroundings when not fully awake.

“We go through here at times that are given to us. To think we sit on the
outskirts of the city and wait until the morning and afternoon commutes is
crazy!” said one local train we spoke with.

The city had no comment on the matter.

The Sioux Falls Headliner
Adam K. White