Big news dropped Thursday morning as local scientists have discovered their first awesome mutated species of snapping turtle.

“We’re calling it Turtlezilla. It’s an exciting new mutation originating in the toxicity of the Big Sioux! It’s a turtle who lives completely on plastic, toxic chemicals, and frisbees,” said one scientist currently working with Turtlezilla.
It’s a fascinating find, but scientists say they’re just getting started.

“Have you seen or smelled the Big Sioux lately? It’s a gold mine of mutations! We’re really looking forward to finding some mutated fish! I love fish mutations that originate in toxic waters. They’re like nothing you’ve ever seen,” said the scientist.

Among the mutations, a rare goose is said to be living along the river.

“We have gotten reports of King Goose living around the river. King Goose is a very large goose, that actually eats other geese and their eggs. He shows no mercy to small animals, and can even attack humans when provoked,” said one Sioux Falls Police Department representative.

The Big Sioux River continues to be a radioactive powerhouse, and cannot be stopped in birthing mutated creatures.

Authorities remind citizens to stay as far away from the river as possible.

The Sioux Falls Headliner
Adam K. White