Yesterday, it was announced that 192 more car washes were being built around Sioux Falls and a local citizen didn’t even know about them before going to work today.

“Everyone was talking about the new car washes going in around town and I was completely out of the loop. I felt ashamed and pathetic I hadn’t heard the news to be apart of their conversation. I even went to HR and they made fun of me for not knowing. You know you’ve hit rock-bottom when HR knows stuff before you do,” said the pathetic Sioux Falls citizen we spoke with.

Sioux Falls should win the next 20 years worth of car wash awards, and city council couldn’t be more stoked.

“We win TONS of awards, so we’re already chalking this one up as a win for the next two decades! We’ll probably have to build a new trophy case with the taxpayer’s money, but they’re used to having their tax dollars spent on useless things that’ll never get used. The deal we struck with the car wash companies is a killer one too! We’ll get tons of tax revenue from them to put toward more stuff our citizens don’t want,” said one city councilor we spoke with.

With the rain that Sioux Falls receives in the spring and summer months, citizens believe another 192 car washes might be a bit overboard.

“I guess I just leave my car outside when it rains and it gets washed enough for me, you know? If it doesn’t I just get the bucket out, some soap, my banana hammock, and start going at it. It takes all of like 10 to 20 minutes depending on how hard it rains or if I’ve been mudding lately. Sometimes you gotta get in the crevices and you won’t see a car wash doing that,” said one Sioux Falls citizen we spoke with.

No timeline on how quickly the new car washes will open.

The Sioux Falls Headliner
Adam K. White