David’s rock-hard, bronze bottom was graffitied early Thursday as local fat protesters believe his body type is “unrealistic” for today’s standards.

“Every time I walk by this statue, he is smirking at me because I’m fat. Well I say his body is unrealistic for today’s standards! I rounded up some of my buddies who think the exact same way I do, and we went to town on him! We called him a ‘nutritionist’ and tagged it with our motto of ‘fat power!’ I think that’ll teach anyone in modern times that history is for skinny people!” said one local obese man we spoke with.

While most citizens are livid, others are just now learning that the city has a Statue of David.

“I had no idea we even had a Statue of David! I’m so excited to get out to see it! I wonder why the Sculpture Walk doesn’t advertise it more? Wait, is it the REAL Statue of David?! I have no idea! What an exciting time to be a long-time citizen of Sioux Falls! The city that just keeps giving, and especially to the local artists! Once all this COVID stuff goes away, the first thing I’m doing is going to see those buns of steel!” said one older woman we spoke with.

Sioux Falls Police believe the protesters have freedom of speech, but said destruction of public property does not have any room in this city.

“We reached out to the protesters about what they did to David, and they explained their rational about how bodies were back then and how they are now. We mentioned that they didn’t have to destroy property to be heard, and after we explained that to them, they decided to try and run from us. Luckily, they’re pretty out of shape, so they didn’t get very far before we arrested them,” said a Sioux Falls Police Department representative we spoke with.

The Statue of David should be cleaned and ready to view after today’s storm.

The Sioux Falls Headliner
Adam K. White